In my pre op days when binges were frequent and huge I often knew they were coming. A bad break up, a tough day at work, my binges had triggers that I could easily pinpoint and look back to establish what I really wanted when I turned to food for comfort.
Today has been a bad day, and for no seemingly relevant reason.
I felt fab when i woke this morning. My energy levels seemed high, I had a relaxing morning, a healthy breakfast, watched some happy television, planned my food for the day.
But two hours later I found myself at the bottom of a packet of oatcakes. Not the most exciting binge food, but where I’d given myself 2 with a bunch of grapes, I somehow devoured 10 without noticing. Another 10 followed an hour later, because “I’d already blown it by straying from my planned meals”
When I finished work I felt a bit better. I was still in control. I worked out. I pushed myself hard on the treadmill, but wasn’t purging, just exercising healthily. I did 20 minutes of weights. I showered and changed and felt good.
2 hours later I’m looking at the bottom of a packet of biscuits.
WHY??? WHY THE F***?
I can’t pinpoint any trigger or feeling that made me unhappy, in need of comfort or think I was seeking anything other than food. Sugary food. And why? Because I’m not allowed it. Because bingeing could now spike my blood sugar so low I could collapse and in the most extreme of cases, fall into a coma.
Why does that make my SICK SICK brain therefore want to binge more. Because it’s OFF LIMITS, it’s BANNED, and not being able to do something only makes me want to do it all the more.
I’m not hungry. I know I’m not hungry, but my appetite is insatiable.
Tomorrow I am off to pet sit for 2 days. This means 2 days alone in a strange house with no one for company and non of my safety mechanisms in place. I wonder if on some level todays binges were a method to take control of the day because I feel the weekend isn’t within my own control?
As I sit reading my books with tactics and tricks to help me overcome my emotional eating I am plotting a timeline of my life featuring my weight and my symptoms of bingeing and comfort eating. The idea is to see how they correlate. Do I turn to food when fat? when at my slimmest? at significant periods in my life?
Seemingly I have more symptoms when I am at a lower weight.
I wonder if my bodies method of keeping my weight at a steady pace is to increase my desire for food. It doesn’t WANT me to get any slimmer. So it’s pushing hard against me to maintain this weight.
Over the last month i have mastered the art of weight maintenance. Whilst not my desired outcome for the month, it should allow me to see that I do not need to restrict my food, to avoid certain food groups, to DIET.
I just need to exercise regularly, to eat a variety of foods yet allow myself the odd treat. What I have known all along. That I need to be ok with everything in moderation…..and that might even include bingeing.
